Tuesday, July 25, 2017

The Most Impossible Conversation

When a birth family asks to speak with you, you say absolutely yes. And then, if you're me, you chew off all your fingernails that afternoon in a cloud of anxiety over how the heck do you even begin to have a conversation with this woman who is making the most impossible decision anyone can make?

A. Ball. Of. Nerves. You guys. I feel like on the outside I kept it together pretty well but I was so nervous. I already don't feel very good at talking to strangers, no less being charming while doing so, so to say that I was outside of my comfort zone would be the understatement of the year.

And to be honest, I just didn't really expect that they'd want to talk to us. I don't know why. I mean, I've read blog after blog about people who met up with the couple they were matched with or got lunch or skyped, or whatever. I guess I just hadn't really thought it out that far since every potential match we've had this far fell through before we ever got to the point where speaking with the birth family would even be a thing to be considered.

Anyway, all that to say, it was much worse before the call than actually on it (as so many things that we anticipate to be scary in life are!) Once we were on it, I was melting like a snowman in July. I felt so instantly connected to them. I felt honored that they were so open and vulnerable with was a really special surprise to me (especially after we'd been advised that this call was all supposed to be casual chit chat). I felt heartbroken hearing the emotion in their voices and the weight of the responsibility of what they are potentially entrusting to us. I felt like I learned so much about adoption and that it really opened my eyes even wider to the scope of the complete mess adoption is. And, honestly, as someone who was not sure how she'd feel about any of this (I had only considered international adoption for so long that the idea of connecting with birth parents and families was a bit new to me when we chose this path!) it was something that truly drove home the gravity and beauty and risk that is adoption. It was all more than I could have asked for, honestly.

So all this to say, if you're about to have a conversation or meeting with the birth parents you are matched with, take a deep breath and be ready to have your heart stolen in the best of ways. Don't be afraid, remember that everyone coming to the conversation are just people and try to find some common ground or interests to connect over, that's always a good way to break the ice! Also, most likely you'll have your case worker or attorney or someone with you that can help make sure that things stay on course so don't worry too much about that. Let them set the tone and the pace and make sure to come with a few question ideas in mind in case there's an awkward lull. For example we talked about music, favorite holiday's, heritage, and favorite foods/recipes and those were easy ice breakers that actually gave us some laughs and some deeper insight into their family history!

Good luck!
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2 comments

  1. Aweee Becka this melted my heart you are very special to me I love you so much more than ever before I hope you know that your Lil family will always be my and brandons first and only pick for baby P WE LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH GOD BLESS

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