Friday, June 9, 2017

When You Just Know That You Just Don't Know, You Know?

We turned down a situation that on paper seemed perfect. We might not have even been chosen. But we kinda thought that we would. It was a check list of everything we'd asked for and then some. And yet... we both felt such intense unease about it. Like pit of your stomach, some tiny voice inside shouting "NO", can't explain why you feel that way feelings that won't leave you alone.

We turned it down and I cried a little bit because we were passing the chance to become instant parents to a little girl. Becuase we didn't feel like it was our time. For no good reason. We know people will probably think we are crazy.

We passed on it knowing we'd be back at zero again, with no prospects, no timeline, and no guarantees of another good situation even coming our way, let alone us being picked and the adoption actually going through.  We knew that we had to make the tough decision to listen to our gut even though selfishly we wanted to just be at the end of the adoption road already.

We both felt so strongly inside that this was not our match that we couldn't calm down all day and couldn't sleep and at 2am decided to give an official "no, please don't show our profile".

We have no idea how we knew, or why this wasn't for us. But we're trusting that there's some greater plan at work.


Sunday, June 4, 2017

I Decided on a Stroller!

Shopping has definitely been a therapy for me during this waiting process. Not buying necessarily, I've only bought a few onesies and hats, but shopping and adding things to a pinterest wishlist (kinda like I would have done with a registry if I was pregnant). Mostly I like the feeling of putting together our necessities and things that we know we'll need but don't actually need yet since we aren't matched and have no idea when we'll be bringing a baby home. But I do like the looking for things, it's a fun distraction.

So last time I had a baby was 5 and a half years ago and in that short amount of time, baby things have definitely changed! There are so many new gadgets and products than there were when our son was little so it's a whole new world out there. Plus, this time we are welcoming a girl so there's that too.

I didn't use our stroller a TON last time, but I really liked how small, compact, and lightweight it was. We don't live in a walkable city so mostly in my life, strollers get used when we go out running errands, when we travel, when we go out as a family to things like the farmers market or Disney or an art show. Last time I was pregnant, three wheel strollers were new and cool. I loved the agility. We picked a fairly easy one and it was great.

Of course, now there are so many more options. And our old stroller has long since been passed on and is no longer in our possession. So I've been trying to figure out which we should get this time around.

There were a few big things I knew were important to me this time:
- Not all black (our last one got a bit hot in the summer sun)
- Lightweight and agile (I hate bumping into things in narrow aisles)
- Easy to fold and lift in and out of the car (because errands can quickly become tedious if it isn't)
- Aesthetically pretty to look at
- Storage space underneath for shopping bags or baby supplies

I asked FB their opinions and two strollers kept coming up: The Baby Jogger City Select and the Uppa Baby Vista. After lots of research I settled on the Uppa Baby Cruz, which is just a more portable version of the vista with smaller wheels and a lighter frame.

A few things that the Uppa Cruz had that I didn't even know I wanted were leather accents, great color scemes, a bassinet you could use (so baby doesnt have to forever be strapped into the carseat, I LOVE that!), and a skateboard style attachement so our son can actually stand and ride along as well which I'm hoping will deter any arguments about why he can't be pushed in a stroller like the baby!

After going back and forth (like you guys even care, seriously this post is so narcissistic, but this is cathartic to me so thanks for humoring it) I settled on a heather gray color that comes with leather accents and I think it's going to be perfect! The grey is light so it shouldn't get too hot in our Florida sun and it is completely sleek looking. It's only about 20 pounds and folds in one move so I'm hoping it will be super easy to load and unload into our car. And it's less expensive than the Vista which really only has 2 big differences: you can add a 2nd seat to it and it has bigger storage. Since we're only adopting 1 baby and our son is too big to be in a stroller seat, we don't need that extra functionality. I'd rather have a lighterweight stroller.

Here it is... and luckily it has a carseat that can attach in as well without any sort of adapters! I'm all about simplicity!


Wednesday, May 31, 2017

How Things Are Going...

People keep asking me how things are going. Well... shittily. Is that an adverb? It is now. We were matched. And we were so excited. Nervous, but excited. And we thought this was a pretty great situation. "Super lucky," we thought to ourselves. Over a week of sitting around waiting to hear that they picked us out of everyone. Someone actually picked us!

Then they unpicked us.

Maybe I ginxed it by telling someone.

Unmatched. Nevermind. Back to zero. AGAIN.

I'm starting to second guess everything. Maybe this was the wrong road. Maybe we should have pursued internationally. Maybe our book isn't good enough. Maybe I didn't show our family effectively enough for people. I don't know.


Monday, May 22, 2017

Weekends Suck When You're Waiting

I've always been self-employed. So weekdays and weekends are pretty much all the same to me. I've never gotten to check out at 4pm on a Friday and not have to answer anyone till Monday afternoon. Ever. But apparently, other people get to do that. ;)

I've learned that, much to my frustration, in adoption no one works on the weekends.

Unless something happens medically (like labor starts or a baby is born or the mom is rushed to the hospital) you don't hear anything from Friday afternoon till Tuesday.

Which means... if you are waiting on news and Wednesday goes by, and Thursday goes by and Friday goes by and you still haven't heard...

You aren't going to hear until Tuesday. Maybe. Possibly. But definitely not before Tuesday.

It's so hard for me. Because I've always answered clients on weekends. So to not be answered all weekend is so tough for me. And no one cares. Because when you're the adopting mom, it's not about you at all. Even though your emotions are a wreck, even though you are investing your time, money, and above all, your hope. Even though you're checking your phone every two seconds. None of it is about you right now. Not even a little bit. It's just not. And, if I'm being 100% honest,  that is a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

(Maybe that makes me a bad person. But honestly, I think it just makes me human. So if you're reading this and you're waiting to adopt and you're feeling this way and everyone is making you feel bad about having these feelings, maybe reading this will make you feel less alone.)

And that is why weekends suck when you're waiting.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Retail Therapy and My First Purchases

So... my husband and I right now are on a pretty strict nutrition plan to help our bodies work at peak performance. Why am I telling you this? Because it meant that yesterday when we got that text message that I was so afraid of getting (seriously, I think hearing that the birth mom had decided to parent wouldn't have hit me as hard as hearing that she is going through with the adoption but with someone else, ugh, my heart. I digress...) I couldn't stress eat all the carbs and junk food I normally would. I guess this is a good thing (for my abs really, and for my confidence) but in the moment all I wanted to do was lay in bed with a pint of ice cream and some chips.

There's a reason for this story, stay with me.

Since I couldn't drown my feelings in starchy snacks and sugar I decided to dive into some retail therapy. Not gonna lie, it made me feel a tiny bit better. Not like, smiling and happy and back to my normal self better, but more like, I can maybe possibly function today and do all the adult tasks I need to without randomly busting into tears better. Retail therapy man, it works.

I bought a few things for our back porch that I had been stalling on (I'm so ready to have the pool patio done! Lots of fun summer memories to be made this year!) and I bought my first few purchases for our future daughter. Our social worker advised us not to go crazy until she was home (because, like we learned yesterday, things can end at any second) but I did realize that if things were to move quickly we really have NOTHING. Like if someone called us and asked us to come to the hospital right then, we'd have nothing to bring. So, I decided to buy a few newborn onesies in the prettiest possible colors I could find. And some hats (not pictured). So that I can at least stuff those in a bag and feel like I have something to take to her when we meet her.

Also, because it makes her feel a bit more real.

I didn't unbox them yet. Just because I wasn't sure I could handle it. But they're here, waiting. Like us.

Monday, May 8, 2017

When You're Not Chosen

I promised myself I'd be really candid with this journey so that maybe, possibly, it could help someone who stumbles on this blog down the line in their own journey.

Today we were not chosen. And it sucks. Hard.

I shouldn't have let myself get as excited or connected to this idea but I did. How can you not though? I really thought it was ours. There were so many tiny signs and synchronicities that made me think this was just too perfect NOT to work out.

But it didn't.

In all honesty, this was a really last minute situation. And it was a different attorney, not ours. So I should have held it more with an open hand. I should have thought of it as a happy bonus if it did work out instead of focusing on this being just so perfect for us that it had to work out. We had been put in touch with her through a mutual friend. I guess it came down to us and one other family and the birth mom chose the other family. And even though I shouldn't be, I'm pretty devastated.

Because this feels a bit like a match failing AND an adoption failing all at one time. Because we would have been coming home with a baby this week. Finding out this late that it is a "no" for us feels like a double whammy. It just sucks. There's no way around it.

So I'm left wondering was it something I did? Did I write the wrong words? Include the wrong pictures? Not give her the best possible glimpse of our family? Or was it something completely outside of that? I probably won't know.  I guess this is just how it goes and I'm gonna have to develop a bit tougher skin. Not gonna lie though, going from thinking we might have our daughter home with us soon to not even having any possible matches feels like GIANT backwards steps. Going from thinking we might have her in May to not knowing when at all and having no prospects just sucks. There's no way around it. I'm not going to sugarcoat it at all.

One time I got an unexpected positive pregnancy test. The next night it was gone and tests turned negative. It feels like that, except worse. Because she's still here, just with someone else.


Sunday, May 7, 2017

But Will She Like Me? Feeling Feelings About our First Views.

This is my mantra for this new phase of our adoption journey.

So we have officially shown our info to a birth mom. And she didn't instantly fall in love with us and let us know she's choosing us. Which is, I'll be honest, how I had idealized the whole thing going. I know that's so naive. I just thought it would be one of those instant connection things. But as I talk to more and more people I realize that's more of an exception than a rule. A lot of other families I talk to say that they waited weeks sometimes to hear back.

It's a big decisions, I know that.

I'm finding that in this adoption process, there are a lot of things I KNOW in my head that don't make it down into my heart. You can know a lot of things but still feel all the feelings.

She saw our stuff on Thursday. We haven't heard anything still. The last thing I heard was, "She's still deciding, but she really likes you." And "deciding" can mean a lot of things. It can mean she's deciding on which family is the right family for her. It can mean she's deciding if she will change her mind and parent this child herself. And those decisions can shift and change. She's in full control here, and we are just along for the ride.

I can't imaging the feeling of looking at a few photos and paragraphs and having to decide where to place your flesh and blood. She's probably feeling a lot of feelings too.

So at least, I can feel connected to her right now knowing that we're both feeling a lot of feelings about this baby.

So that's what's going on right now. I'm not really sure how to end this. Because right now there's not really any closure, just a lot of waiting for Monday when the attorney is back in her office making calls and sending updates. And checking my phone every 2 minutes just in case, let's just be honest. ;)
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